April's blog hop ends here! A huge THANK YOU to Margie for putting it all together, keeping it all straight and being so gracious the whole time. Thankful for the opportunity to visit others' blogs and make new friends here. Such a marvelous thing! If you're going in order, you reached me through Julie Ann's blog (and oh, what a lovely place it is!). I'm the last stop but you can start again by hopping back over to Margie's blog. If you'd like to see the entire list, please scroll to the bottom of this post!
Here we are…..April 1st, and I think it's time for true confessions: I logged into BPS tonight at 9:30 and read March's prompt for the first time (I don't get the emails….don't get me started). I was resigned to posting another 'I didn't do anything this month' but when I read the prompt I was overcome with this amazing realization that my word has been living with me –through me–all month.
It's a private thing that prompted this feeling. Private because it's embarassing, heartbreaking and just plain sad. It involves a man. A man that I had been with for a year. A man I thought was someone special. Someone I thought was supposed to be in my life. Someone who had become more important to me than I'd become to myself. I can't even tell you how much I cringe when I admit that, but it's true. What took 10 years of marriage to do to me took this relationship only a year to accomplish. And I can see now, in hindsight, that I lost myself. Actually, lost probably isn't a strong enough word; I think I buried myself. Slowly, spoonful by spoonful, until I couldn't see the light of day anymore.
How fitting then, that in March, my annual 'spring cleaning' month, that I purged. I opened my eyes, saw what had been there all along, acknowledged what I didn't want to admit, swallowed my pride, found my balls and said goodbye. I didn't want to but I knew I needed to. I leaned on friends (one in particular, who saved me more than once and gave me such a soft and loving place to land). I reclaimed my time, learned to appreciate the quiet and came to see this painful experience for what it really was: a gift.
Because the truth is he really wasn't good for me; but because I was good for him he was never going to say goodbye. Didn't matter how much I questioned or how often I confronted; liars are liars because they are good at it. They are convincing. They listen so that they understand what you want to hear, and they deliver. Brilliantly. I can't blame him for being him; he'd told me who he was when we first met. I didn't hear it then; instead, I heard what I wanted to hear. I saw the picture he created for me rather than the man he really is. I bought it. Hook, line and sinker.
But here's the really remarkable thing: I can't get mad at him. I am sad, because I came to the realization that none of his actions were about me. He was broken before we met, and he'll be broken until he chooses to heal. I was merely a bandaid, a temporary fix for a hurt that can't be seen but I am sure he constantly feels. So even though I've said goodbye, I still send thoughts of lightness and peace. I want him to someday choose to be happy.
And I am grateful to him, because through all of this I finally became….a little more understanding, a bit more wise, a tad more aware and a lot more me. Bring on April!!
My page, thrown together tonight in very hasty fashion. Please forgive the fuzzy scan; the bumpy bits make it wonky.
The full hop list:
Cheri A http://cheriandrews.blogspot.com
Julie Ann http://julieannshahin2.blogspot.com