OK, that's not completely true. I have many, many things. And I have much of what's more important than things–beautiful , smart, healthy children, amazing friends, a dad who loves me, a roof over my head and freedom.
But still, I feel like I got nothin'. Melodramatic, huh? I think it's the constant wear of being a single mom, doing it alone, feeling like I've got nothing left to give but getting up and plodding through the day as if I do. The bills never stop, the 'can I's' never stop, the stress, it seems, never stops. So I'll cop to being drained, tired and blah more often than not.
So, if all of that is constant and I've had ample time to adjust by now, that leaves me wondering one thing: why can't I get ahead? I'll admit that all of this head trash is coming from cleaning my bedroom the other day. I scooched the bed (which I don't often do–it's a big bed) and got way to the middle of where I hadn't been for a while. And what I found floored me. A binder from my scrapbooking days–2006 to be exact–with a pretty hand-crafted cover that said 'Goals 2006.'
I think I actually groaned when I saw it, because I knew what it was. As I dusted it off, though, I hoped that my memory was mistaken, and that I wasn't about to come face to face with proof that I failed. Sure enough, though, I opened the binder and found it empty except for six home-made dividers.
I remember the snowy day in January I made them, huddled on the makeshift scrap table I'd set up in the corner of our bedroom. I chose color-coordinated ribbon and deliberately used the Ali Edwards-like font that was so popular those days. I labeled them: Weight, Money, Organization, Enjoy Life, Scrapbooking and Patience. My big 6 for the year. My game plan for becoming a better person, more attentive mom, better wife.
I sit here today and it feels like nothing has changed except for which corner of the bedroom I am sitting in as I work. A separation, a divorce, five jobs, 'boyfriends', a business and countless sleepless nights later and guess what topped my New Years Resolution list in 2011? Yep: weight, finances and enjoying life. Not that organization and patience shouldn't have been there as well; I think realism took over just a bit and I accepted that I couldn't do it all. Smart,eh?
So, yes, I know that the past 5 years haven't been all bad. I've lived, loved, learned and lost. I've grown as a mother, a woman, a person. I know all of that. What I can't come to grips with, though, is why I keep battling the same issues. Why do I lose weight only to gain more? Why don't I demand to be paid in proportion to the value I bring instead of what someone else feels 'comfortable' with? At what point do I finally GET it?
Rhetorical questions, perhaps, but not ones I'm willing to give up on yet. This binder, though, has to go. Or at least sport a new font.