I'm walking again. Why is it that it takes an "event" to get us back to those activities that we know we need–crave, even–to stay sane and happy? My walks not only make me feel more alive in the physical sense, but are the best way I know to clear my head, organize my thoughts and generally work through whatever is weighing on me.
Perhaps coincidentally, some very wise and loving friends have been prodding me in my 'spiritual' growth. I put those quotes around spiritual because I fight it. I joke that I'm Catholic and we just go to church and then we're done with all that….but it's true. I've never really understood what it means to 'talk to God' though He and I both know that I've bumbled my way through awkward attempts over the years. Perhaps I'm too dense to pick up on His subtle clues and answers; not-the-brightest-bulb-in-the-bunch folk like myself sometimes need swift kicks to the backside rather than gentle prompts.
So this morning I set out on my walk. Just me, the almost-crispy air and my iPhone. Before I hit play I walked in silence for a little bit, which is unusual. I don't usually like the quiet much. But there are so many questions going through my head, questions that I'd usually go for a quick fix for–a horoscope, the tarot app on the phone–you know, the really accurate answers to all of life's biggest questions.
And, with sincere apologies to my more spiritually developed friends and with the assurance that I mean absolutely no disrespect, I do believe that my iPod told me what I need to know right now. Part of the walk went a little something like this. And I swear this is exactly how it unfolded:
Lisa's thought: What the heck is wrong with me? 40 years old and I still haven't figured anything out. Seriously?
song that plays: Bitch by Meredith Brooks
Lisa's next thought: Ok, yeah, so I'm complex and not perfect but not evil either just like the other women I know. BUT….Did I expect too much from (guy's name)? Was I too harsh, should I be more understanding? Was I selfish?
song that plays: Giddy On Up
Lisa's next thought: OMG. Seriously?? Any chance I can look like Laura Bell Bundy in chaps, too, since we're sisters in disappointment? Yeah, didn't think so. OK, so I know it's ok to move on. Now what?
Song that plays: The Bitch is Back
Lisa's next thought: Elton never fails me. Yes, I'm feeling a little more like myself. I'm trying to get back to those things that make me all warm and fuzzy and working to make myself the best me I can be. BUT, while the bitch is starting her comeback she's still tired and grumpy and really tired of the anemic bank account. How do I fix that, Sir Elton?
Song that plays: Vogue
Lisa's next thought: Yeah, OK. The whole 'fake it til you make it theory'. Really? Is that all you've got? (Sidebar: during this song is where I stopped int he park to stretch out along the stone wall. Listening to the lyrics….beauty's where you find it, not just where you bump & grind it. Dating 101 for divorced women. Thank you Madonna.)
Song that plays: Smile
Fine. I guess that was my whomp upside the head. Full disclaimer: I was only shuffling my 'walking' playlist….no soulful Amos Lee or hot Ryan Bingham. Lots of angry girl rock, which might explain things