Random thoughts…..in an attempt to clear my head and get back to work :)

My thoughts have been focused on passion and desire these past few weeks. No, not that kind (well, ok, that kind too, but that’s an entirely different post). I’m quite sure it was obvious to everyone but me that I’d lost my passion and my desire for life over the past couple of years. There were, of course, interludes that really got me going–teaching at conventions, landing a huge holiday account, watching the kids perform at their various programs–those types of special things that by their very nature DEMAND a passionate response.

But the everyday…..the mundane business of just being wife and mom and housekeeper and business owner……the everyday lost it’s luster. Nothing was exciting. The passion and the desire was gone. I don’t know if it was because of the external forces at play (money stress, mommy stress, etc), or if it was more internal.

For some reason, since going to Orlando to teach, I’ve been noticing all too sharply that I MISS the passion and desire I used to take for granted. My business was a passion until not too long ago….then reality kicked the door down and sat my unhappy butt back into a “real job” that everyone keeps telling me I should be grateful for….because there is security. There is less unknown. There is “potential”. I don’t see that like everyone else. I see mediocrity. I see boredom. I see myself as stagnant. It’s not that I’m not capable of doing it, it’s that I DON’T WANT TO DO IT. It beats me down and makes me tired…….and I’m afraid that, eventually, it will put me back into the same place I’ve been trying to get away from.

It’s a common theme it seems. Same thing with my marriage. I read an article on the way to work this morning that talked about marriage being hard work. And I felt a bit chastised by the author; she was adamant that if you just work at it, and take off the rose-colored glasses and look at things realistically, that your marriage WILL work. What she left out is that both of you have to WANT to make it work. Without that desire, there is nothing left to even work on.

I had thought, that at my age, life would become settled……but I feel less settled now than I did as a bright eyed college freshman finding my way around a new city for the first time. I didn’t know where anything was there, but I had such enthusiasm to explore it all. Now, I know where things are……it’s the enthusiasm I’m searching for. And it’s so much more elusive than anything else.

I’ve been following Stacy Julian’s blog because she’s posting these great quotes everyday. Here’s a favorite so far:

You rarely have time for everything you want to do in this life,
so you need to make choices.
Hopefully your choices can come
from a deep sense of who you are
and who you want to become.

Mr. Rogers